


You're alive, at least as far as I can tell you are

by spookyookykitty



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Bucky feelings, Depression, Drabble, Emotional abuse is mentioned at one point, Hurt/Comfort, I don't even know dude, I wrote this is one sitting after having a lot of feelings from the new trailer, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-04
Updated: 2014-02-04
Packaged: 2018-01-11 03:00:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,540
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1167852
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spookyookykitty/pseuds/spookyookykitty
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"No that’s the thing Steve, <b>I don't know.</b> I believe them. Why shouldn’t I? It was me. I’m the one who killed all those people. If I just would have fought harder, or been stronger I could have, I should have…” Bucky trailed off, tears gathering in his eyes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You're alive, at least as far as I can tell you are

**Author's Note:**

> I just have a lot of headcannons and emotions about Bucky Barnes and how amazing of a person he is. I wrote this in one sitting after seeing the new Cap 2 trailer and put all of my Bucky feelings in it.
> 
> Once again, this is only my second foray into the MCU fandom, please please please take time to give feedback. It would mean the world to me!
> 
> Title is lyrics from "You" by The 1975
> 
> And this is just a drabble, if you want me to continue in some way, or expand on certain parts please let me know!

Tony walked off the elevator and into Steve’s living room, tablet in hand he opened his mouth to inform the man that Fury wanted to see him, but shut it when he saw Steve.

The man was sitting on his couch, back to Tony and a photo in his hand. When he got closer he saw that it was a photo of who he recognized to be Bucky Barnes in his WWII uniform.

"Did you know that homosexuality was considered a mental illness in the 40s? If anyone found out, you were shipped off to a mental asylum and never heard from again."

Tony stood there awkwardly, unsure of what to say, and unsure of where Steve was going with this conversation. He had an idea sure, but he could barely believe it.

Captain America being gay was impossible, because who would fight for their country if who they were was considered sick? Who would go through so much danger and violence for a country that hated them? But Tony knew the only answer to that, Steve. Steve would. Because his heart was too big, and his sense of righteousness outweighed his personal identity. Because that’s the kind of guy Steve was.

"I finally have him back, in a century that accepts us a hell of a lot more than our days, and he’s locked in a cell.” He said sighing. He set the photo on the coffee table and turned to face Tony, his eyes were red and his cheeks were damp.

The billionaire felt his stomach drop; Steve had never looked like that before. He always looked put together like a soldier. 

The man in front of him looked broken.

“Then lets go get him.” Tony said, walking around the couch to offer a hand to the blonde. “Fury wants to see us, we can get him after we see what our leader wants.”

Steve looked up at him, brows furrowed in confusion, “You’d do that for me?”

“Contrary to popular belief I’m not actually heartless. No one’s true love should be locked in a SHIELD holding cell.” Tony said, lips quirking up into a smile.

The blonde smiled back and accepted his hand. 

Once he was upright his face turned serious, “Tony I have every intention of bringing Bucky back here with me, I don’t care what Fury says or if we have permission. But I do care about you approving him coming here.”

“I’d be happy to have Barnes here. I want to meet the man that stole cap’s heart and see if he’s as snarky as dad said.”

Steve laughed, “He’ll give you a run for your money that’s for sure.”

Tony rolled his eyes, “Impossible. Alright let’s go see the wicked witch of the west shall we?”

\------------

The meeting with Fury only lasted half an hour, a simple checkup to see how the team was doing and if there was still any animosity between the two. After the meeting the two men headed to the holding cells located in the basement level of the building.

“I’ll call a car as soon as you come out of the cell.” Tony said as two agents patted Steve down.

“Thank you Tony.” Steve responded, “I was wrong about you. You’re a good man.” He gripped the other man’s shoulder.

The brunet grimaced and tried to bat off the hand, “Okay enough of that, go talk to your boyfriend.”

Steve smiled taking his hand off Tony’s shoulder. He nodded to the agents and the cell door opened.

Bucky was sitting on his bed, curled into the corner, legs against his chest and arms resting on his knees. He lifted his head from its place on his arms when he heard the door open, but he dropped his head back down when he saw it was Steve.

The blonde walked over to the bed and sat next to the man, resting a hand softly on his shoulder. Bucky jerked away from the touch and sprang into a standing position beside the bed.

“What do you want?” He demanded watching Steve’s face fall.

“I want you to come home with me Buck.”

Bucky stared at him, shoulders rigid, “Why?”

Steve stood up and shook his head in disbelief, “Because I love you. Buck you’re being treated like a criminal here, I want to take you home. I want you beside me.” He said, reaching out to touch Bucky.

"No. Don’t touch me!" Bucky roared, backing away from Steve’s outstretched hand. "Steve they’re right. You’re fucking Captain America. You shouldn’t be seen with someone like me. You shouldn’t be _tainted_ by someone like me.” He continued angrily, a cruel smile on his face, but pain evident in his eyes as he gestured to himself. 

"You can find someone so much better," He said, voice breaking. "Someone so much more deserving of your love. Don’t waste it on me. Because everything they say is true. I’ve killed people Steve, so many people, I shouldn’t even be free, I should be locked up or dead. I shouldn’t be loved.”

"Who Bucky? Who’s right?" Steve asked.

Bucky looked away before responding, “Do you know what they say about me when you’re not there? When they know I can’t do anything?”

Steve shook his head, forcing himself not to reach out and comfort. 

"Worthless. Waste of space. Killer. Traitor. Murderer. Scum. Heartless."

Bucky listed, voice flat.

"Buck, you know it’s not-" Steve started but was cut off by a harsh laugh.

"No that’s the thing Steve, **I don't know.** "

He took a deep breath, "I believe them. Why shouldn’t I? It was me. I’m the one who killed all those people. If I just would have fought harder, or been stronger I could have, I should have…” Bucky trailed off, tears gathering in his eyes. “I killed _so many_ people Steve.” His legs gave out, knees hitting the concrete floor with a dull thump. 

"No." The blonde said, stepping towards the hunched man slowly, "It may have been your body, and it may have been your hands, but it wasn’t you in your head and that’s all that matters. If you were in your right mind you never would have hurt those people." He reached Bucky and kneeled down, slowly grasping the brunet’s hands and cradling them in his. 

"You are a good person and you always have been. You only ever hurt people when they hurt others first, you protect people Bucky, you protected me. You are not a bully and you are not a killer. You're a good soldier, a good friend, and for the short time we had, the best boyfriend.” Bucky flinched slightly at the last word, a few tears falling down his cheeks. He shook his head, long hair falling in front of his face, shielding him from Steve’s earnest stare.

"Don’t ruin yourself with me Steve. Find a nice boy, find someone who isn’t fucked up beyond repair. I'm a head case." Bucky choked out.

"Don’t you dare keep talking about yourself like that." Steve said, moving a hand to gently grip Bucky’s chin and lift it up so he could see his face.

"I know words won’t solve all of this. It’ll take time, you may never be the same but that’s okay. Because you were always there for me and there’s no way in hell I’m not going to be there for you. I’ve changed too, I’m not the naive boy I was. But I know you, I know who you really are, and you're not the weapon they created."

"Why? Why do you believe in me so blindly? Why don’t you see what everyone else does?" Bucky asked, voice breaking and brows drawn together. 

Steve moved a hand from the other man’s chin and brushed away the brunet’s hair, tucking it behind his ear and softly thumbing away the tears on his cheeks, “Because I love you, and I always will. Because you believed in me when no one else even cared if I lived or died. Because you could have had any person in New York City but you chose me. Because I still wake up at night, aching from the pain of not being able to catch you. I let you fall once Buck, I’m not gonna let you fall again. I’m going to be here to help you back up.”

Bucky choked out a watery laugh as more tears fell down his cheeks, but Steve could see that the slight smile on his face was real. 

"And because I’ve selfishly wanted to be able to kiss you in public. Be able to show off that this amazing, caring, handsome man is all mine. If you still want me." Steve said, moving his eyes to their clasped hands.

He let out a noise of surprise when he felt the other man’s strong arms wrap around his shoulders, and a warm, slightly wet face burry itself in his neck, soft hair tickling his jawline. He wrapped his own arms around Bucky’s back before taking a chance and lifting the other man into his lap. The brunet tensed for a moment before melting against him.

"Of course I want you punk. I've never stopped loving you. I don’t think I could stop. You’ve always been the best thing to happen to me.” Bucky said, words slightly muffled against Steve’s skin, but the other man heard it all.

Steve ran his fingers through Bucky’s hair, his nails lightly scraping his scalp, just like the brunet liked back in the 40s.

And then he felt the wetness on his neck grow and could feel the body in his lap shaking with the strength of his sobs. 

"I didn’t want to. Steve I promise I didn’t want to do any of it." He said between sobs, his hands clutching at the blonde’s shoulders. 

Steve could almost feel his heart break at the pain and anguish in Bucky’s voice. He pulled the man closer and ran a hand up and down his back in a soothing motion, then pressed a kiss to the top of the brunet’s head before resting his own on top. 

"I know. I never doubted that." He whispered, "Never."

\---------

They sat on the concrete floor until Bucky’s sobs subsided into the occasional sniffle and then he finally felt the man slump against him, exhaustion taking over. He slowly picked up the other man bridal style, keeping the one metal and one flesh arm wrapped around his neck, before walking to the door of the cell. 

The door opened to Fury, Coulson, Tony, and Agent Hill.

Tony gave him a quick nod.

"Where do you think you’re taking him Captain?" Fury asked, arms crossed. 

"To my floor of Stark Tower sir. We know he’s not dangerous, he doesn’t deserve to be treated like a criminal and I don’t want him anywhere near your agents." Steve answered, gently adjusting his grip on Bucky’s body to bring him closer to his chest. 

"You don’t get to decide that." Fury responded, frowning. 

Tony raised a hand before speaking, “Actually we know for sure there’s no triggers in his brain and all the brainwashing is gone, so really Cap is right. He shouldn’t be treated like this. And the tower has the best security possible, even if something happened he’d be contained. So unless you want me to publicize the fact that you’re keeping an innocent person suffering from depression and PTSD locked in a cell and exposed to abuse, I suggest you let him go with us.”

Fury narrowed his eyes, “Know I will be having a discussion with the agents assigned to his care. You may not have the best view of me but I do not take kindly to the abuse of, as you put it, innocent people. Captain you may take him. But we are still going to keep an eye on him. We need more information on Department X.”

"Only when he’s ready. I’m not subjecting him to anything he doesn’t agree to. He needs time, he needs to heal. And being interrogated won’t help that." Steve responded, shaking his head and frowning. "But I will bring him in for therapy, and I’m sure you have access to anything he says there.” He added and couldn’t help but glare slightly. 

Fury sighed and looked at Coulson. “Alright. You have SHEILD permission to take the Winter Soldier off premises and only to Stark Tower.” He conceded, hands now clasped behind his back.

"Oh I wasn’t waiting for permission. I was waiting for Tony’s car to get here. And his name is Bucky Barnes, not Winter Soldier." Steve bit back, 

Tony’s lips quirked up in an amused smile and Agent Hill’s mouth dropped open slightly in shock. 

"Come on Captain Sassy, let’s get your boy home." Tony said gesturing for him to follow as he walked out of the room. 

Steve nodded his head at the Agents before leaving, walking slowly to ensure he didn’t jostle Bucky. 

\--------

When they arrived at Stark Tower, Steve went straight to his floor, letting Tony tell the others about their new guest. 

He carried Bucky to his - now, their - bedroom and gently laid him on the covers. Slowly he took off the man’s scrubs, leaving him in his underwear. He couldn’t help but stare at the body he hadn’t seen in 70 years. Just as beautiful as he remembered.

It would take a bit of time to get used to the metal arm, a new one Tony had created sans any weapons, but it was part of Bucky now and Steve was sure he would grow to love it. 

He stripped out of his clothing leaving him at the same state of undress as Bucky, before slipping into bed next to him, maneuvering the covers out from under their bodies so were covered. Steve curled his body against the other man’s, one hand resting over Bucky’s heart, the other arm stuffed under his pillow.

The steady beat of Bucky’s heart, his slow even breathing, and his familiar scent lulled Steve to sleep quickly. 

When Bucky woke an hour later it was to Steve curled around him. Hand resting on his heart. He assumed based off the expensive decor and what Steve had told him before that they were at Stark Tower now. The lighting from the windows suggested it was late afternoon, but he was far too comfortable and tired to get up.

He turned so his back matched up with Steve’s front and tugged the man’s arm around his waist, intertwining their fingers. Steve sighed in his sleep and scooted closer, his nose burrowing itself in the brunet’s hair.

Bucky still wasn’t sure if he deserved this yet, but he wasn’t going to turn it down. And if Steve would be there, he had hope that he could work through all his guilt. Things weren’t perfect and they wouldn’t be for a long time, if ever. But it help to know Steve still loved him.

Shaking the thoughts from his head he snuggled down into the soft bedding and Steve’s tight hold. Sighing he couldn’t help but smile slightly. It was nice feeling safe for the first time in 70 years.


End file.
